Saiou Takuma: An Owner's Maintenance Guidebook
by Michelle H. C. Zhu
Summary: Now that you have purchased the leader of the Hikari no Kessha, it is vital for you to know how to take care of, feed, and prevent your Saiou Takuma from terminating mankind's existence with a satellite cannon named after the Kingdom Hearts protagonist.


**Congratulations! **

If you are reading this guidebook, then you have just purchased our latest model—the SAIOU TAKUMA (2.0)—from a catalogue belonging to GenerationNext Manufacturers. Please scan through this guidebook for basic instructions and tips to ensure your satisfaction will be guaranteed.

**Technical Specifications:**

Name: Saiou Takuma (Will respond genially to "Saiou-sama")

Location of Manufacture: Japan

Type: Psychic

Height: The SAIOU TAKUMA (ver 2.0) unit does not allow itself to be measured

Weight: The SAIOU TAKUMA (ver 2.0) unit does not allow itself to be weighted

Length: Over 35 inches of the finest amalgamation Japanese and American craftsmanship has to offer

Level of Skill: So extravagantly amazing he'll knock your socks off and make you divorce your spouse. Oh, he's coy.

Occupation: Diviner/Clairvoyant/Prognosticator/Cult leader/World domination extremist

**Your SAIOU TAKUMA (ver 2.0) comes with a series of accessories:**

1) A complete set of tarot cards including The Chariot, The Hanged Man, The Fool, The Strength, The Tower, The Death, etc.

2) A tarot-themed dueling deck

3) A pair of funky orb/bead/fang-style earrings

4) A modified-for-his-sexiness Obelisk Blue uniform

5) A pair of pointy boots with black and blue straps

6) A pair of finger-strap gloves

7) A pair of skintight black pants

8) An elegant lavender shirt with a matching cravat

9) A card holder

10) Two bolts—one for each side of his head

**Installation:**

Open your box in a room of your house that does not contain any wallpaper. Make sure all six sides of the room are completely white unless you wish to be blasted into oblivion when your SAIOU TAKUMA (ver 2.0) skyrockets into levels of hysteria when first removed from the box. Once the unit is removed from the box, discard the package and packing peanuts. You do not want him to choke on such things.

It is advised that you treat your SAIOU TAKUMA (ver 2.0) with care and respect for the first couple of days. He is a temperamental unit and is not afraid to hurl you off a cliff for disrespecting his organization, insulting his ambitions, or making fun of his hair. Expect the SAIOU TAKUMA (ver 2.0) unit to whine about how everybody needs to be purified and how a world without light is about to end. Also expect your windows to break, your children to cry, and your neighbors to complain about how his eerie cackle is disrupting their sleep patterns. If you cannot stand all this griping, wear earplugs. If you are too busy staring at his outrageously hot body to care, get a brain.

_**Alternate Process of Instillation:**__ Instead of treating your SAIOU TAKUMA (ver 2.0) with love and admiration, you may boss him around, don him in pink tutus for your viewing pleasure, or force him to wear a Barney costume at your child's birthday party. However, you should not expect these sorts of events to ever occur unless you call our sister company and order a Fanfiction Author License. Do not expect your call to ever connect because your SAIOU TAKUMA (ver 2.0) will probably disconnect the phone lines._

**Your SAIOU TAKUMA (ver 2.0) is equipped with four different modes:**

Fortuneteller (Default setting)

Pimp

Hitler

Shaking (Level 10 lock)

_**Note:**__ The SAIOU TAKUMA (ver 2.0) does not come with a Manipulative Bastard mode for he is already a manipulative bastard and does not need a separate mode to be any more of an illegitimate offspring of unmarried parents than he already is._

**Interactions with other units:**

Saiou Mizuchi – Your SAIOU TAKUMA (ver 2.0) will have the best communication with this unit. He will act gracious, gentle and kind towards your SAIOU MIZUCHI unit, and will also lose the remainder of his sanity when her mind is digitally transferred into a computer database. Because of this, it is best that you sell your SAIOU MIZUCHI unit and then tell your SAIOU TAKUMA (ver 2.0) that is she is on vacation. And will never come back. Rly.

Edo Phoenix – Apart from the SAIOU MIZUCHI unit, the EDO PHOENIX unit is one of the most compatible units with your SAIOU TAKUMA (ver 2.0). He will act as a best friend to this unit, look over him as fatherly figure, and hold conversations with him via phone or internet. If you wish your EDO PHOENIX and SAIOU TAKUMA (ver 2.0) units to continue being amiable to each other, then make sure that your MANJYOME JUN unit never comes in contact with your SAIOU TAKUMA (ver 2.0) or that his WHITE THUNDER mode is permanently disabled from use.

Manjyome Jun – This unit's boastful personality and stubborn attitude will attract the attention of your SAIOU TAKUMA (ver 2.0). But take caution—after fifteen minutes of continuous interaction in a dark forest, your MANJYOME JUN unit will automatically switch into WHITE THUNDER mode and his personality will change from cocky to submissive. If you wish to revert this change, order a YUUKI JUUDAI unit and equip him with your MANJYOME JUN's OJAMA HEROES accessories.

Yuuki Juudai – Initial contact with the YUUKI JUUDAI unit may cause your SAIOU TAKUMA (ver 2.0) to have his curiosity piqued about this unit's abilities. Additionally, he may also want to trigger this unit to function in the MINDLESS ZOMBIE mode instead of the CAREFREE IDIOT mode. However, with repeated contact, your SAIOU TAKUMA (ver 2.0) will eventually lose his fond interest in the YUUKI JUUDAI unit and grow weary of his constant contravening of destiny. If your YUUKI JUUDAI unit ever happens to be in possession of the SATELLITE KEY accessory, we advise you to send him far, far away—for his safety and the rest of this world's as well.

Tenjoin Asuka – While the TENJOIN ASUKA unit is extremely attractive, your SAIOU TAKUMA (ver 2.0) will most likely see this unit as another pawn he can use to further achieve his white world domination goals. He will generally not have direct confrontations with your TENJOIN ASUKA unit and send your MANJYOME JUN unit locked in WHITE THUNDER mode to keep her busy instead. However, your SAIOU TAKUMA (ver 2.0) will occasionally show bouts of kindness to the TENJOIN ASUKA unit, such as draining her of her free will and then presenting her with small gifts like the WHITE NIGHT DUELING DECK accessory.

Misawa Daichi – Your SAIOU TAKUMA (ver 2.0) will most likely ignore this unit's presence until this unit decides to take a stand against his world-purifying goals. In which case, your SAIOU TAKUMA (ver 2.0) will probably switch into HITLER mode, brainwash your MISAWA DAICHI unit, and make him don an ugly white and lavender uniform. You must be warned that the MISAWA DAICHI unit is not sustainable for long-term interactions with your SAIOU TAKUMA (ver 2.0). Any communications between the two that last over three months will most likely result into the MISAWA DAICHI unit losing his marbles and stripping off his STRIPED BOXERS accessory. If this disturbs you, take a rusty spoon and gorge your eyes out.

Tyranno Kenzan – Generally, your SAIOU TAKUMA (ver 2.0) sees this unit as little to no threat and will not engage in interaction without external prompting. He may show mild interest in this unit's physical strength, but should the occasion ever arise, his interest will eventually crumble once the TYRANNO KENZAN unit begins to monologue about how he valorously risked his life by sneaking into a movie theater to watch Jurassic Park without paying. Your SAIOU TAKUMA (2.0) has no interest in dinosaurs, reptiles or cheapskates.

Assassins – Your SAIOU TAKUMA (ver 2.0) will generally be polite to these multi-units but will also issue very little contact with them. He will order them to chase after the YUUKI JUUDAI unit, but the chances are they will fail horrifically one way or the other and your SAIOU TAKUMA (ver 2.0) will throw a hissy fit and toss the ASSASSINS multi-units into a deep pit. If you wish to save money, then we suggest you do not purchase the ASSASSINS multi-units because they will all be dead within a couple of days.

Hikari no Kessha – Initial contacts between the HIKARI NO KESSHA multi-units will result in their automatic mode transfer from DEFAULT to MINDLESS ZOMBIE. Any of the 300 different HIKARI NO KESSHA multi-units will address him as "Saiou-sama", lose their commonsensical frame of mind, and prattle about nonsense all day long. If you are equally obsessed about the light as they are, buy all 300 HIKARI NO KESSHA multi-units from our catalogue and send us packing into the retirement homes. If this is not to your satisfaction, then refrain your SAIOU TAKUMA (ver 2.0) from coming in contact with the HIKARI NO KESSHA multi-units. Lock your doors. Buy a security alarm. Purchase a horde of bulldogs.

_**Note:**_ _Some of the HIKARI NO KESSHA multi-units have not been designed to sustain interactions with your SAIOU TAKUMA (ver 2.0), such as one GIN RYUSEI unit whose external appearance AKA his hair might change after repeated failures on his or his owner's part._

**Cleaning your SAIOU TAKUMA (ver 2.0):**

Your SAIOU TAKUMA (ver 2.0) is a fully capable, self-cleaning unit and does not need your assistance when it comes to personal hygiene. But if you want to wash his clothes for him, we are sure he would not object to such an offer. If you want to draw a hot bath for him on a cold winter night, we doubt he would object to that either. And if you want to jump in the bath with him, we're completely sure he'll brainwash you and make you dig up some essential oils for aromatherapy instead.

**F.A.Q. (Frequently Asked Questions):**

**Q:**_ My SAIOU TAKUMA (ver 2.0) looks different from what I ordered. He is considerably shorter, his eyes are wider, and he isn't dressed in that sexy white pimping garb as seen in the catalogue. He is also carrying an umbrella._

**A: **You have most likely received our beta-type version CHILD SAIOU AS SEEN IN EPISODE 67 MODEL© by mistake. Place him back into the box along with your receipt and the proof of purchase, and we will ship you the correct version in a couple of days.

**Q: **_My SAIOU TAKUMA (ver 2.0) refuses to eat any of the food I provide him with. _

**A: **Did you feed him _dark _colored food by any chance? You must understand your SAIOU TAKUMA (ver 2.0) eats, sleeps, and breathes only white and nothing but white. Offer him blocks of white tofu **without** soy sauce and see if he complies. If he does not comply, offer him these foods in the following sequence: white milk, white bread, and omelet made out of egg whites—until he finally digests one of the three. If you SAIOU TAKUMA (ver 2.0) still refuses to eat, give him your blood and contact us right away. We must label SAIOU TAKUMA (ver 3.0) as half-vampire for future buyers.

**Q: **_I went into my garage this morning and noticed all my white paint is gone. Then I noticed the wallpaper on my bedroom walls are covered with the same white paint, in addition to the rest of the house. Is this phenomenon a result of the actions of my SAIOU TAKUMA (ver 2.0)?_

**A:** Perhaps not directly, but it is very possible that your SAIOU TAKUMA (ver 2.0) has spread his influence while operating from the backseat. Do you happen to live by an individual who holds a MANJYOME JUN unit programmed to WHITE THUNDER mode? If so, go to your nearest retail estate agent and move out of the area before your entire neighborhood turns monochrome.

**Q:** _I have been receiving a lot of odd visitors to my house such as the DR. ALBERT ZWEINSTEIN unit, the X unit, and KANDA TSUGIO unit. Every time my SAIOU TAKUMA (ver 2.0) sees them, I am ushered out of the house for hours straight and asked to bring tea and cookies. How can I stop this irritating procedure? _

**A:** Don't give them tea and cookies. Kick them out—it's your house, not theirs. Then knock up their owners.

**Q:** _I was talking about my SAIOU TAKUMA (ver 2.0)._

**A:** Follow the above step. Once the house is empty, sit your SAIOU TAKUMA (ver 2.0) down and explain to him in a clear, direct tone that this is your house and not the Obelisk White dorms and that he cannot do whatever he wishes without your permission. When you have successfully been beheaded with a butcher knife for interfering with his plans for a purified world, ring us up.

**Q:** _My SAIOU TAKUMA (ver 2.0) keeps visiting my neighbor who has recently bought a PRINCE ORGENE I unit. I have received complaints from my neighbor that their unit no longer functions properly and has permanently entered SUBMISSIVE SERVANT mode. Is there something wrong with my SAIOU TAKUMA (ver 2.0)?_

**A: **Your SAIOU TAKUMA (ver 2.0) has merely switched into HITLER mode after some appropriate interactions with your neighbor's PRINCE ORGENE I unit. Tell your neighbor to buy a LYND unit from our catalogues and issue a play date with her, their PRINCE ORGENE I unit, and anybody who owns a YUUKI JUUDAI unit. The problem will be solved within half an hour.

**Q:**_ My SAIOU TAKUMA (ver 2.0) refuses to speak of anything other than 'destiny' and 'light'! What can I do to change his verbal dialogue to something more colorful?_

**A:** Disconnect his hard drive and rewire his voice box so that he quotes lines from That 70's Show instead of talking like a deranged fatalist. If that ceases to show results, provide your SAIOU TAKUMA (ver 2.0) with a thesaurus and ask him to look up synonyms.

**Q: **_My SAIOU TAKUMA (ver 2.0) refuses to obey any of my commands or perform normal life actions and instead focuses all his time and energy ranting about destroying mankind and searching for the two SATELLITE KEYS accessories. What should I do?_

**A:** Invest in an underground bomb shelter.

**Q:**_ Recently, a friend of mine has purchased the dual pack MANJYOME JUN & TENJOIN ASUKA units from your manufactures and my SAIOU TAKUMA (ver 2.0) keeps visiting him despite my protests of concern for his safety. He assures me the three of them are merely playing a game of chess every afternoon, but all I ever hear is giggling coming out of my friend's house. _

**A: **…

**Troubleshooting:**

**Problem: **Your SAIOU TAKUMA (ver 2.0) is suddenly beginning to show signs of Dissociative Identity Disorder: crying at arbitrary moments, speaking in two different voices, punching mirrors with his reflection in it.

**Answer:** This can only happen if your SAIOU TAKUMA (ver 2.0) has made contact with the banned ULTIMATE D-CARD accessory. If that is the case, recluse him in a white room along with his TAROT CARDS accessory so that he may release his pent-up frustration without destroying objects in your house. Provide him with stuffed animals if you see fit.

**Problem:** Your SAIOU TAKUMA (ver 2.0) is shattering ever single mirror, window, and electronic device in your house without lifting a finger. There is no physical movement on his behalf whatsoever. All you notice is that his eyes are glowing a shade of purple.

**Answer: **This is probably because he is mourning over the loss of your SAIOU MIZUCHI unit who has just been trapped in a virtual realm of data information belonging to one of the greatest CEO executives of the century. He will calm down eventually, but make sure your SAIOU TAKUMA (ver 2.0) does not come in contact with either the YUUKI JUUDAI or EDO PHOENIX unit for a few days, unless you want to be cleaning bloodstains out of the carpet.

(WARNING: _Do not attempt to retrieve your SAIOU MIZUCHI unit from her virtual prison unless you are a feminine man between the ages of 17 and 10,000 years old with pink, silver, or periwinkle-colored hair, and are in the possession of one of the following items: 1) a golden orb with the eye of Horus, 2) a mystical green rock with the power to absorb people's souls, or 3) a lot of girly valkyries to back you up._)

**Problem:** Your SAIOU TAKUMA (ver 2.0) is not functioning properly. He is unable to talk and mutters something about a headache every time you attempt to question his predicament.

**Answer: **Alas! Something has triggered your SAIOU TAKUMA (ver 2.0) to bypass all ten levels of security locks and go into his SHAKING mode. The best way to remedy this problem is to have him curl into a fetal position and stay this way for about 7 to 14 days. Don't worry about his nourishment, hygiene, or mental wellbeing. You knew what you were getting into when you purchased the SAIOU TAKUMA (ver 2.0) model from our catalogue.

**Problem: **Your SAIOU TAKUMA (ver 2.0) is red in the face and speaks of destroying your solitary existence by crushing you under a burial of textbooks and graphing calculators.

**Answer: **You have made fun of his hair, haven't you? If that is the case, then there is no solution to this problem. Stupidity cannot go unpunished.

**Ending Notes:**

Your SAIOU TAKUMA (ver 2.0) comes with an unlimited warranty or until episode 104 is over. If he is damaged or bruised in some way, feel free to not return him to our manufactures because there is nothing scarier than a wounded rhino during the heat of the moment. However, if you find it absolutely necessary to return your SAIOU TAKUMA (ver 2.0), then you have the option of shoving him in a garbage bag and shipping him to our manufactures for your full money back. If he persists with the world domination jig rather than crawling into your dirty old garbage bag, kick him in the crotch and see what happens.

_(__**Note:**__ We do not cover your life insurance.) _

We at the GenerationNext Manufacturers wish you happy times and thank you for purchasing the SAIOU TAKUMA (ver 2.0) unit from us!


End file.
